I have really been struggling with envying the pregnant women in my life. My husband & I are not trying to get pregnant because of still being in graduate school but I still struggle very much with wanting a child and not wanting others to have children. I found myself mistreating many pregnant friends of mine at my church by not smiling in the hallway or engaging in usual conversations. I'm the church secretary so it's an especially hard environment to be in; hearing who's pregnant and watching them bring their children to the church to Bible study during the week. I was so ugly in my actions but more ugly in my thoughts. I realized I was really wronging them by being so closed off. My jealously and envy not only hurt my relationship with God, my husband D.R., my friends but with the whole church body. I realized my sin really affects all others around me- in my case my church family. Praise be to God that where my sin was abounding, His grace abounded even stronger. He showed me my sin through other saints and I was able to repent and receive forgiveness from women I was intentionally ignoring. (Js. 4:17- ouch)
So many people have helped be part of the conviction & encouragement to root out this sin in my heart. I still struggle but I'm now accountable to God to take my jealous thoughts captive and replace them with thankfulness for all He's given; which is more than I deserve.
Grace & Peace
I'm sorry you have struggled with this and I really do sympathize. It's hard when there is that deep longing for a child...especially because it's a good longing just not the right timing. That day will come soon enough and until then...enjoy your time with DR (beign just the 2 of you) and all the things you can do. Because baby means no time for anything:) Love you!
ReplyDeleteLove you too Grace. Thanks for the encouraging words. His timing is always perfect!
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