This Way is Better...

This post is going to be a bunch of my thoughts put into written words. It's going to be very personal. It's going to be good therapy for me to get these words out- in hopes that the Lord will use them to further teach me His way in this area.

It's been a long struggle. You've read my previous posts about my relationship with exercise and food. The food side of things has been healed for the most part and by the grace of God I rarely have "eater's remorse" after I eat something fattening or large portioned. I'm not completely back to "normal" but I'm asking the Lord to daily allow me to eat to His glory. I enjoy food. I love a good steak (now) and every once in a while bake a batch of regular-ingredient brownies. (butter/oil, whole milk, eggs (w/yolk)) I'm still learning moderation and less dependance on food (partaking or abstaining). I want to eat healthfully and I feel I have an actual HEALTHY definition of that now: My new outlook is 80-20. 80% of the time I commit to eat whole grain, fresh fruit/vegetables, lean protein, low caffeine/sugar. Then 20% of the time, indulge in some of my favorites. (brownies, chips/salsa, ice cream, diet pepsi) You can't be good all the time and thinking you can is just a recipe for failure. For a while I tried to go vegetarian and I was so low-energy. It didn't work for me. My body needed the protein from meat sources and I was robbing myself of the health benefits of protein in muscle repair (especially since I was running and working out at a high intensity and long duration) Knowledge is freedom! My husband and I took a class together in college called "Sports Nutrition". I learned so much then but I forgot so much of it later in life. I went back and read the chapters on carb/protein/fat needs for mod-intense exercisers. I was no where near meeting those calorie requirements. Sooo counter-productive to be so active and not give your body the proper nutrition. My efforts in my Nike's were for nothing b/c I wasn't rebuilding muscle tissue damage with enough protein & carbs.

On the other side was my struggle with obsessive exercise. Somewhere along the line, probably about a year ago, I became obsessed with working out usually in the form of running. Running became a place where I could be in control. When my marriage was in disarray, when I suddenly became unemployed, when I found out my husband was deploying to Afghanistan, when my body wasn't what I wanted it to be, when my house wasn't as decorated and put together as other wives.... I'd run. I'd set a goal and I'd reach it and sometimes surpass it. What a feeling of satisfaction. I could control running. At least I thought I could. My heart would swell inside me. I started out running every other day 6-7 miles. I'd bring work out clothes to work and right when the clock struck 4:00, I'd change and head to the park. This meant I'd get home around 5:30-5:45, sweaty and having to START dinner. D.R. usually got home around 6 and dinner was just getting started. He understood for a while but then he expressed to me that it'd be nice to have dinner ready when he got home so we could eat and spend more time together before he would head to bed around 9:45 (up at 4:30 some mornings...that's the Army) I didn't consider him. I kept my running regimen. Dinner would be done, when it was done. I amped up my miles over the next couple months with a half marathon in sight, running 8-9 during the week and 10-12 on the weekends. With the increased time away from home, not only was dinner pushed back but my chores fell by the way side. I didn't think D.R. noticed until one night he said, "there's a lot of dog hair gathering in the corner of our bedroom. Do you think it's time to vacuum?" whoops, yeah it was. Champ hadn't had a bath in forever and was itchy (poor guy). The laundry basket was overflowing most weeks and stinking up our bedroom because it was filled with wet, smelly workout clothes. I started failing to plan our grocery meal list for the week and would run to Publix 3-4 times a week to buy a meal or 2 at a time. $30 here. $40 there. We ended up spending ~$30 over our allotted grocery expense/week. All because I had to run.

Then the health issues started. My hips hurt all the time. I would do hot showers but never ice baths (like my husband suggested). My complexion became teen-like along with my chest and upper back. I would weigh myself in the morning, after breakfast, when I got home from work/running, after dinner, and before bed. Always hoping not to stray more than 3 lbs from my morning weight. I was a slave to my scale. My clothes started feeling looser, which in pants was awesome! in bras and tops, not so much. But deep in my heart, I felt good about the weight I'd lost. I was as thin as my sister.(who has a tinier frame than I) I had toned thighs & butt for the first time in my life. I got off birth control and we decided to try to get pregnant. After three months of trying we heard about D.R.'s deployment so we got back on as to not get pregnant and have him miss the birth. We got off b.c. again 3 months before he deployed and tried to conceive again. No luck. No period. I'm still amenorrheic. My sexual appetite was diminished with the increase in hard exercise. Sex became painful and chore-like. Our marriage took a huge hit. But still, I continued to run. Setting my sights on two more half marathons, both in the month of January, I hit the pavement hard. I got down to my lowest weight and I finally saw the seriousness of what I was doing. D.R. could not help me because I refused to believe I needed help. My mom, dad, and sister would tell me I was running to much and not eating enough. They said my hip bones were sticking out. They said they'd never seen me this skinny. It hurt my feelings but I still wanted to maintain my "fitness". It had become my identity. I felt that if I didn't run and work out hard, I wouldn't be "Danelle". People know me as a runner, as a fitness guru. If I gave that up partially, I would feel like a failure. I was in bondage.

It wasn't until my sister started really showing in her 6th month of pregnancy that I evaluated my situation, "Do you want to be a mom? or an elite runner?" D.R. would ask me. Hurt and anger filling his eyes. I couldn't believe my heart when I answered, "of course I want to be a mom but I want to keep running too!" My body wouldn't let me do both. Some women are able to. Every woman's body is different. I am not able to continue being a half-marathoner and hope to be a mom. Not right now anyways. My body needs less stress put upon it. It's amazing how the body will fight for itself. With all the stress that running imposes on the body, the Lord has created us to not allow a stressed body to carry new life. It makes sense. Bringing new life into the world is a miracle in the first place. Bringing new life into a stressed "habitation" for 9 months is not preferred. I was humbled and broken over my sister's decision to scale back on her exercise habits. The Lord was gracious to her and has grown her baby healthfully so far. All praise to Him!

I want that. I want to be a mom. A biological mom. Adoption is beautiful and given the opportunity, D.R. & I will definitely pursue that. But I want to carry my own child. I want to be humbled. I want to embrace the way that God has created a woman's body to function. I've been scared to gain weight. Scared to gain more body fat in an attempt to get my cycle back. But I know this is what I must try to do and hopefully the Lord will be gracious to me. Souls are eternal. Our physical bodies are not. I want to embrace another inch on my waistline, hips and thighs if it means being fertile. O God please.... Help me see my vanity.

"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

My plan is to scale back considerably on my exercise regimen. To gain 5-8 lbs and hopefully receive my cycle again. I plan to teach Zumba, do my Pure Barre dvd, and do the elliptical a few days a week. This is sufficient. This is a season of preparation- not for a race but for motherhood. If it be God's will, I pray that He will grant me that honor in the months to come. I need His grace daily. I know I will be faced with the choice to "feed my flesh" every day. I painted my nails hot purple. I sat down, Pandora going, and an hour later I had pretty nails and a content heart. I hope I have many more victories like this- by God's grace, I will.

Starting the Day Off Right

I invited a friend to breakfast this morning. One that I hadn't spent time with in a while. He is always available to have breakfast with me but I'm often too "busy". Many mornings I choose extra sleep, exercise, or an Army Wives episode over time with Him. He patiently waits for me.... desiring to teach me truth and listen to my heart.

This morning I sat down with my coffee, cereal and Bible and eagerly waited to hear from Him. Avoiding Facebook, Instagram, email and blogs, I typed in www.desiringgod.org to listen to John Piper's most recent uploaded sermon. It was titled "Sorrowful yet always rejoicing." (2 Corinthians 6:10) This has been DR & I's life verse since we've known each other. We both learned in college that being a Christian means you are acquainted with sorrow and joy simultaneously. We live in a sad, broken, dying world but knowing Christ brings immense, unspeakable joy in the midst of the most painful times. This is our hope in Christ. I have felt that hope again this morning. I know I won't stay on this good streak of meeting with my Savior first thing in the morning but I will strive to and ask Him to give me the desire to. "Going into your day before meeting with God is like going into battle unarmed." (J. Piper) I can have good days without reading my Bible. Heck, most days I don't read my Bible sadly... and there are good days. But then, there are joyful days. Those are the days when I have a deeper peace, a less anxious heart and a weaker desire to appease the world. I care less about the time I spend on me and more about what I can do for others. It's so freeing! Why can't I remember that feeling of freedom in Christ every morning!?! It would save me from a thousand small sins in my heart. God cares about our days- how we spend them. Where we focus our time and energy. We will serve what we love most. My soul's desire today is to serve Christ well as I babysit, as I clean my apartment, as I run with a friend later and as I have a meeting tonight. I want to do it all to His glory and I want to be open to Him changing my plans. After all.... He is the creator of the universe!!

Even during this lonely season I'm in, I know God is faithful. In fact, it's when I'm most sorrowful that I feel the deepest joy! Being apart from D.R. for two months now (to the day) has been the deepest pain I've ever experienced. My heart aches to be near my husband. But the Lord is with me. He has refreshed my soul this morning and I somehow feel swaddled and held by His strong, tender arms.

God cares what you're struggling with. He cares about your sadness. I pray that TODAY, you will allow Him to show you the joy that is found when we trust Him amidst our pain. He is completely satisfying!!

This poem was quoted in the sermon I listened to and it spoke so powerfully to me. Enjoy. Seek JOY today, friends!!!





God Moves In A Mysterious Way

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs,
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.


William Cowper