I just finished reading my family/friend's blog on her recent heartache of having a miscarriage. She's one of several of my friends that have experienced this pain in 2013. And while I wait on God's timing to get pregnant, I hurt for their loss. I don't understand miscarriage. Why would God allow life to be conceived in the womb only to take that child straight to heaven? But then, there is a lot I don't understand about how God works. He has a much larger plan in the works than my life will ever scratch the surface of. I do know that He redeems all things. His mercies are new every morning and he is the giver of good gifts. So with these scriptural promises, I will step into 2014 with faith for a bright (and hopefully fertile) future. But baby or no baby in 2014, I want to be more self-less. I am sick of my mirror. Sick of thinking about me. Sick of self-"esteem", self-examination, self-glorification, self-deprecation, selfies!!!!! yuck. Too much of my day is spent thinking about me. Here's to a new year of serving others. Of serving my husband and my church body. Of investing in my clients and working hard to give them the best work-out and feeling of success. Here's to crying and then laughing when I park in a tow-away zone and have to pay $250 to reclaim my vehicle. (just happened- merry christmas to me) Here's to taking more pride in my home- the simple joy of having clean bathrooms and clean sheets on the bed. Here's to not pretending.... to be good at ultimate frisbee with the youth kids, that I'm strong enough to carry in every grocery bag in one trip (like why can't I just go back out there?), in the bedroom...you know what I'm sayin'. I pray in 2014 I will know and feel God's love for me so much more than I have in 2013. He is the same God- loving, comforting, tender, guiding but I admit that I have not sought his fatherly love enough this year. But even still, He pursues me and my soul feels awakened to my need for Him. Like being in a deep slumber, my heart feels like it's coming out of a dark cave where I hid and settled for a slew of "self-help books" instead of the one true Guiding Light and Lover of my soul. And praise be to God that He neither slumbers nor sleeps. He keeps my life from evil like Psalm 121 says. The evil I have felt this year comes from my own selfish, self-sufficient heart. This past Sunday, my youth pastor, a dear friend, and the man who officiated our wedding, preached at my hometown church. He lives in Nashville now and was in town for the same wedding we attended on Saturday. It was a real nostalgic treat to be with him, his wife Holly, and a bunch of "youth kids" I was in youth group with that were also in town for Jessica's wedding. Rob preached from Matthew 5:1-3, the sermon on the mount. One of my favorite speeches from Jesus himself. He gathers together these 12 men to be his followers, his close friends and instead of telling them, "ya'll are great. you really have that 'something' that draws people to you. you are handsome. you are smart." NO. He says, basically, "you are weak. you are pathetic. you can't do anything right on your own." Weakness is the path to heaven. That's what Rob kept repeating on Sunday. He gave a funny and personal example of his 2+ weeks of travel with his wife, two boys and 5 mo. old little girl from Nashville to Orlando to Venice, FL to visit his mom who has Lou Gehrig's disease, to West Palm for a wedding, then back home to Nashville. He shared how 5 days before the trip, Holly came down with the flu. Fever, cough, vomit, cold. The whole 9 yards- flu. She was down for the count for 4+ days and Rob had to be "mom" and dad during that time. With several LOL moments, he illustrated that God was reminding him that he is weak. He is pathetic and he can't do anything right on his own. (and that Holly is a rockstar) He's right. We are helpless. I can't make my body produce a baby. I can't make my husband's anxiety dissipate at work. I can't make West Palm and Columbus be neighbors. I can't. I can't. I can't. I'm not in control of my own life. Every good thing I do and have is because the Lord gave/did it. Every bad thing that happens is a result of my stupidity and sin. Period.
As I've said before, my deepest desire right now is to have a child. I want to care for and bring up children to know and love the Lord and be a light for the Lord to others. But I know that I can't go to the store and pick out a baby tomorrow like I would a new pair of running shoes. It takes prayer and time and faith. My sister asked me a question while I was home that I have been thinking about a lot. It's a great shift in perspective. We stole away for a quick run to have some sister talk time. And we talked about everything. Her life as a new mom, our churches, mom and dad, our husbands jobs and our husbands :) , our body issues, our decorating issues, our judgmental tendencies and food. Then she said,
"Danelle, do you want to have offspring? or do you want to be a parent? What's the ultimate goal?" I had never thought about it like that. It was like a cloud lifted. You'd've thought that I had just seen that extra pink line on a pregnancy test. It was like a cloud lifted and I stood up a little taller. I don't know why I have never thought about it that way. Adoption and fostering has always been in the back of my mind as an option. Of course! What believer wouldn't adopt if they couldn't have children- or even if they could? DR & I haven't talked much about it but it's on our minds and hearts. We are not very far along this journey of trying to get pregnant and I don't know when or if we should explore adoption/fostering but I am praying about it. If my ultimate goal is to shepherd little souls toward loving and knowing my Creator, then the means of how I get that privilege should be in God's hands.
I have a few friends in Columbus who foster or adopt and I am going to have coffee with them in the coming months. Who knows what 2014 will bring. It's a certainty that it will bring both joy and sorrow as our marriage life verse says, (2 Cor. 6:10). I want to trust God through both seasons knowing that He works ALL things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. AND that He withholds no good thing from those whose walk is blameless (Psalm 84:11)
I will trust my King.
He's always been faithful to me.
