What if I never have biological children? What if I never experience a growing human in my womb? What if I never have a son or daughter who has my eyes and DR's smile? What if it's not in the cards for us? What if I never get to experience the bond of breast-feeding my child?
Questions that roar my mind all the time these days. These are just a few of the hard truths that I have to wrestle with. Because I am not promised biological children. And while I feel like I live my life in a way that would easily carry and care for a child, I am not owed one.
12 days. The last 12 days have been long. I finally ovulated and DR and I found (or made rather) lots of time to be together. I was hopeful. My body was behaving like it was made to. "Maybe this month it'll happen..."
"wait 12 days and then come in for an ultrasound, blood work and a pregnancy test." Monday, March 31 came. The 12th day. 7:30 a.m. Blood taken. Now, I'm undressing from the waist down like a couple dozen times before and wrapping the paper robe around my waist. I said a prayer while I waited for the x-ray tech, "Lord, please let me be pregnant. I feel pregnant but I'm not sure. If I'm not, please help me be ok with that. There's always next month."
The tech says I'll have to wait to receive the results of the blood work but my ultrasound goes well.
2:30, I'm at the park about to start a run when my phone stops my music with an incoming call. It's the doctor's office.
"We have your results Mrs. McNew"
"Today it's negative. ok? But call us when we begin your period and we will have to come in on day 3 to begin the next round of treatment."
Heart sunk. All the blood in my body seemed to rush to my face. "Of course it's negative. It's always negative. But I ovulated? I held a very uncomfortable yoga bridge pose for 30+ minutes after intercourse...every...time... why didn't this work?"
I just feel defeated. My thoughts start to become accusatory. "It's DR's end. He's the problem. I wish we never would've done the semen analysis. Ignorance is better in this case."
It's not. The facts are the facts and it's helped us know how to pray even better. To be more real with God and plead to him.
I can't describe this season any other way than, "out of control".
I've never felt so acutely out of control in my life. And it's refreshing in a big way- when I look at the big redemptive picture of God's plan and my small part in it; but heart-breaking when I focus on my own situation and the "have-nots" in my life.
"Why doesn't he want this for us? What's wrong with us? We are believers. We make enough money. We are healthy. We wouldn't abuse or neglect our child. Why is he withholding something so good?"
All reasonable questions- but for a Christian we know that "fair" is not a word we can use. We deserve the wrath of God. We deserve illness and poverty and isolation and infertility. Everything good given is a gift which no one has deserved. But oh how it doesn't feel that way when you look around and, from the outside, think that others have "that thing" that merited them "that gift"... the big family, the shiny well-paying job, the perfect house. I Ace the comparison test every time. "She has it better because she's a better Christian. She's a better wife. If I had a real paying job like a nurse or financial accountant, then maybe God would reward me with a child."
Lies. Straight from hell.
I don't know why God gives some couples biological children and some he does not. It's a mystery to the human mind. But to every couple who has or is struggling with infertility, hear this.
Your life matters. You and your spouse have a unique opportunity to love each other deeply in this season. Do Not let the enemy use this time for his evil purposes. Do battle together. Talk about the hurt and the insecurities. Pray, pray, pray together. Cry together. And don't blame one another because we are not in charge of the reproductive status of our bodies. We can do our part to stay healthy but the rest is up to our Sovereign Lord.
We're broken people. I feel broken, empty, hollowed-out....because I AM! But I'm learning God wants me to know Him in that place. Because that's when He fills me to the brim with His promises and hope! Hope that does not disappoint. I know that sounds super-spiritual but I have felt that hope lately.
My sister told me about a couple in their church who are in their late 60s and God never allowed them to have children. And yet, she (Judy, the wife) is one of the most joy-filled servants in her church. She has not let the "hole" of no children bring them to despair. They didn't turn away from God and curse Him like Job's wife and friends did. They dug in- got in the trenches in their church and served.
I think that a sure way to a joy-filled-despite-suffering way of living. Service. How beautiful to watch the single women in my church (many of them 28, 29, 30 in age) volunteer to babysit for young couples (the same age as them) so they can go to the marriage conference next weekend. I mean...service is beautiful. Pouring out your life as a drink offering to worship the God you love is a recipe for a happy life. You'll have no time for "but why can't I???"
So all my what IF questions arise each day and I have to go back to Scripture and remind myself of what is true.
That He is for me.
That He comforts those who need comforted.
That His strength is made perfect through MY weakness.
That He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me.
That He is the rock in whom I find protection.
That He withhold NO GOOD THING.
That He hems me in behind and before.
That He discerns my thoughts from afar.
That He will sanctify me until the day of glory!!!
And if that means, I remain a barren saint, then that's the like of Saint I want to be. If it would bring Him the most glory and allow Him to shine the brightest, I want to walk that road with joy.
But, oh...help me Lord. It will not be easy. It has not been easy. Make me glad in your salvation!!!!
"Hallelujah! He has found me! The one my soul so long has craved. Jesus satisfies all my longings. Through His blood I now am saved."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ie1jHhTSTK4
