Saying Goodbye

Friday, I kissed the love of my life goodbye for 6 months. D.R. is deployed until May to Afghanistan. He made it there safely (I talked to him today). So thankful. I can't describe all the emotions/thoughts I've experienced in the weeks leading up to Friday, December 7. Here are some of them:

"nights will be hard"
"does Champ realize he's leaving?"
"I can't stop staring at his face- I want to memorize it"
"...I'm gonna have to take the trash out"
"the bed is gonna seem so big"
"i won't wash dude clothes for 6 months"
"i will grocery shop for one"
"what's a premium? a Roth IRA? uh-oh, I need financial help"
"will he have any Christian friends in Afghanistan?"
"will I enjoy my independence?"
"I hope he's not scared."
"what if he doesn't come back?"
"am I supposed to be a widow at 28?"
"do I trust God?"
"God, will you keep him from temptation?"
"God, will you keep me from temptation?"
"I have to go to church alone."
"I'm going to have a lot of 'me' time."
"I don't like to call people."
"Will this be good for our marriage?"
"will he miss me?"
"I wish this day would slow down."
"You're in control, God."
"I'm afraid."
"These arguments are so frustrating."
"thank you for a sweet, intimate night."
"6 months of no sex..."
"6 months of no dates."
"6 months...."

We've known about this day for 7 months. It's here and although my heart is sad I am expectant of the Lord to do something great in our marriage. He is always working out all things for our good and so I know that this too is part of His good and perfect will. Help me trust you, God.

D.R. & I were able to spend a lot of time together in the past months. We took some great trips: Amelia Island, Key West, San Antonio, Panama City Beach, Myrtle Beach, Blue Ridge Mountains. I'm thankful for those memories.

My husband is precious. He sent me a letter an hour after I dropped him off (via email). He had written the letter a week prior. My chest was tight and the tears were flowing as I read how much he loves me and hates that he doesn't show it well sometimes. He said how this time apart will be for our good and make us thankful for each other. He recalled things he admired about me and gave me confidence that I could make it through this. He promised he'd be a better leader in our marriage. He apologized for his sin that hurts me and God. I was, once again, thankful to have a believing husband. I don't deserve it. God is good to care for me by giving me D.R.

I know that with God's love and our Christian community around us, we will make it through these months and love each other and the Lord more deeply.

I talked to my mother in law the other night and I told her that no matter what, our lives are about glorifying God and enjoying Him forever- whatever that means. I want to hold my dear husband with loose hands- because he is a gift. I pray the distance will be over come May but if it is not, if the Lord, in his sovereignty, has a different plan, I hope I can trust my Savior.

He is a good Dad.

He knows what I need.

He knows what D.R. needs.


He will take care of us.

The dangerous allure of the Gray

I recently watched Skyfall, the new 007 James Bond movie. I saw it twice actually cause it was that good. I love a good action-packed Daniel Craig movie! This one was especially thought-provoking. It seemed to have the theme "tradition" strung throughout it. James Bond is getting older and isn't as fit or sharp as he was in younger years. Plus, the new "management" wants out with the old ("M") and in with the new younger, fresher-faced crowd & ideas. A more hands off/technology approach rather than face to face combat as is tradition in Bond movies. M's character is always one of my favorites. She's hard on the outside but maintains a motherly, protective side for 007. She stands for justice and getting the job done no matter what the cost. Evil will not prevail.


All that to say, it got me thinking.... In our world today, we don't want to pick sides. We don't want to ruffle people's feathers. We want to avoid confrontation and patriotism to what we in our heart of hearts hold dear. For example: I witnessed (well, kindof eavesdropped on a convo), at Publix the other day between a woman whom I see at church (but don't know) and another woman. Theywere discussing their children's extra curricular activities (soccer, cheerleading, ballet) and then the woman whom doesn't go to our church started cursing up a storm talking about one of her daughter's coaches. F**ing this and D**m that. And to my sad surprise, the church woman was agreeing and nervously laughing along with her. My impression of the church woman was tainted from that happening but I thought, "wow, how often do I do that?".... Do I join in and "participate" in ungodly conversations b/c I'm too afraid to stand on the side of righteousness? Am I ashamed of the gospel? Now, this woman at my church may not be an unbeliever but in that moment she was acting as if Christ was not the Lord of her life. I was convicted and began to think about how many times I (without even realizing it till later) fall into those situations. It's not ok. It's not God-honoring. I can, very respectfully, say "you know, I don't think we should talk about so & so that way. It's not right." or just walk away.

This is just a small example of what I mean by "the dangerous allure of the gray". The Gray is the place that's comfortable. A place that strives not to offend anyone else and certainly not to put self in the hot seat. I think we, as believers, need to be aware of the devil's efforts to draw us into the "gray". I know in my life, I am tempted to downplay God's wrath and upplay His love. I think, "Oh Jesus (and my husband) will forgive me if I choose to spend 2.5 hours on myself today instead of cleaning the house." Boy, am I good at that one! Not that getting your nails done, exercising, or going to Starbucks to read are poor ways to spend your time but we all know when we are neglecting responsibilities that God has given us in order to feed our selfishness. Just last week, I had the vacuum out, coffee table pulled back onto the tile and everything off the floor- ready to vacuum my dog-hair covered house when.... "SQUIRREL"... I was distracted by a text message sound which sent me into texting mode then to Instagram mode, then to "I'll just check my email real quick" mode and before I knew it, it was time to head out the door for work. Chores neglected again. This is what the devil does. He makes you think that it's ok to just sit down for 5 minutes and instagram- or it's ok to eat that sleeve of cookies or it's ok to just look at one picture on the internet. A tiny trail of enticing morsels that leads to a steep drop off. Spiritual warfare is real. Sisters (and brothers), we need to be aware of where we are vulnerable to temptation and sin. Is it hanging around a certain person that always ends up talking about other people in a negative way? Is it standing in your pantry telling yourself you'll only have one cookie? Is it sitting at your computer when no one is home and spending your day away on social media sites or inappropriate sites? Where are you "prone to wander"?


In Skyfall, M's speech towards the end is one of the most relevant I've heard in recent hollywood movies. I think it's right on:

"Today I've repeatedly heard how irrelevant my department has become. Why do we need agents in the double O section? Isn't it all quaint. Well I suppose I see a different world then you do. And the truth is that what I see frightens me. I'm frightened because our enemies are no longer known to us. They do not exist on a map, they're not nations, they're individuals. Look around you, who do you fear? Do you see a face, a uniform, a flag? No. Our world is not more transparent now, it's more opaque. It's in the shadows. That's where we must do battle. So before you declare us irrelevant; ask yourselves - How safe do you feel?"

"The shadows", "the gray" is our vulnerable spot. That's where we must do battle against the great Liar, the devil. He would have us believe that it's ok to compromise here and there and before you know it, you're staring into the mirror at someone you never wanted to become. Don't allow him to win. Pray incessantly for our gracious heavenly Father to make you aware of your temptations. He is faithful to provide a way out, that you may stand up under them! God exists in the light. We must choose the light side every minute of every day. Not just in the morning when we walk up and read our Bible. But at the traffic light, when the cute guy next to you is smiling at you. Will you look away? Every decision matters. Every decision is an opportunity to please God or please Satan/self.

I pray that today you will choose the Light!!