feeling humbled is an understatement

God rocked my world this past week. He made me realize something so important about my life and my relationship with Him. See...I'm a self-centered person. I really am. Especially in my marriage. But lately it's been worse than usual. I feel a right to be correct; to argue my way around everything and wear my poor husband out. I have been arguing with everything he says which is so stupid. He's drained and feels disrespected. I'm upset and feel unloved. Doesn't make for a very peaceful home. I have been praying earnestly that God give me contentness with the whole not trying to get pregnant thing, also been asking God to make me an effective leader with my high school girls, also been asking that God show me what to do with my life if we move to a new city. All these things are great to bring to God but i wasn't asking Him for what I most needed. Restoration with my husband. A rekindled fire for the man I'm married to. I desire to serve him self-lessly. I needed to be close with D.R. I just didn't want it....seriously....I didn't want to be close to my husband. I was content doing my own thing- my church job thing, my dance thing, my work-out regiment- and asking God to bless all these areas of my life for His glory all the while letting my marriage rot.

It's a good thing, God didn't bless those things. Instead he turned my attention to Malachi 2:13-16. "And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning b/c he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, "Why does he not?" Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. I hate divorce. For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."

God was not answering my prayers because I wasn't being a faithful wife. He is THAT concerned with marriage! Did you catch verse 14? The Lord was witness...WITNESS.. btw you and the wife/husband of your youth. He saw all the ugly selfishness in me when I fought for my way; every time I made D.R. feel stupid for having an idea. God was the witness. I should feel sorrowful over that- like the way you felt when mom caught you making out with your boyfriend in high school- that kind of shame. But I didn't at first.

I'm so glad I have a God who is fighting for my marriage even when I am not. If I was super content at work and pumped about how well I was teaching dance and winning hearts to Christ in my h.s. girls Bible study, then I would easily continue to be blind to the decay of my marriage with D.R. But praise be to God that my eyes have been opened! I was blind but now I see! I see my need for reconcilation with my beloved husband. I WANT to respect him and stop arguing. I don't have the desire to be right every time we talk. Humility does that. It makes you bow low and let the other person stay up high. It gives and does not expect in return. Only Christ can give a heart of humilty.

I am so thankful for this passage in Malachi that God pointed me towards. It has changed my attitude, given me a renewed love for D.R. and made me want to fight harder to preserve the sweet covenant marriage I am in.