i can't get no satisfaction!

dramatic & sporatic

...that was the definition of my relationships in high school. i dated one guy for the majority of my teenage years. one guy whose heart i broke over & over again; one guy who eventually broke my heart. i never really thought about why i kept breaking up and going back out, breaking up and going back out with him. i just thought i was fickle (which is true). or maybe i was incapable of being faithful; but to prove i could try to be faithful i kept coming back only to break up 4,6,8 months later. the cycle continued for 6 years on again, off again, repeat. no one, i mean, no one stopped to tell me it was unhealthy- not my parents, not his parents, not family, not friends. so there we were: two hormonal, pimple-faced, emotion-driven teens trying to make a "marriage" work. essentially that's what we were trying to be- married. you know, without the sex & bills. it has plagued me ever since, why wasn't i content in that relationship? what was missing? we both loved God. (or so we thought) we both loved each other (or so we thought). why did I keep wanting to leave? why did he not want to leave?

today in sunday school i got my answer. scott moore , who teaches our youth, spoke about idols. he said we all have a God-shaped hole in us that only God Himself is meant to fill. that hole was there in high school. but instead of constantly filling it with God- His Word, His promises, His saints... I was filling it with a boyfriend- or trying. if you would've asked me in 8th grade or 12th grade if i've ever been in love, the answer would've been a resounding "YES". but did I know the true definition of love? no. Love, as the Bible defines it, "is from God"; "we love because He first loved us", "the fruit of the Spirit is love". God in me is love. love as John Piper defines it is, "the overflow of joy in God that meets the needs of others". well this was not the kind of love i experienced in high school. it was more characterized by: what can I get from you. what pleasure can you bring me. satisfy me! satisfy me! SATISFY ME!!!!!

and when he didn't... i left. selfish, i know. but he was selfish too. (well he was...) it's just the other side of the coin. he was always giving, showering, smothering me with words of praise, love letters, text messages, emails, gifts, romantic dates, affection, promises, yada yada yada. he did all those things because he was searching for someone to satisfy him. his acts seemed loving on the surface but all those things were for selfish gain not pure love. if he really loved me (and let's be honest people, no one should be in love at 15) he wouldn't have had to keep trying to win me over to himself. he would've been confident that he belonged to Christ and in Christ is complete satisfaction.

so when scott had said all this, i was like, "DING DING DING". this guy was an idol in my life. and i was an idol in his. we were both trying to fill our God-sized holes with measley human-sized things! Charles Spurgeon says "our hearts are idol-making factories". i think high school students' biggest idols are boyfriends/girlfriends and their looks. those were my two. i wasn't a confident teenager. i didn't know about God's passion for me. i didn't understand the deceitfulness of my own heart or the graveness of my sin. i didn't know how much my sin hurt my Savior. i didn't know- or i probably would've been a single gal. instead i clouded my heart with a boy. a boy that could never really satisfy me. and i returned the false hope to him.

i'm so thankful for this realization of idolatry in my past and in my present. my heart is an idol-making factory. i can easily make something good into something i must have. boom- idol (roasted). but God is so much more satisfying!! i know that. He has proven Himself more fulfilling over and over again but I still run back to the mudpiles of idols thinking they will satisfy me. why? b/c i'm a lousy sinner in constant need of God's grace & mercy.

current idol? babies. i think they'll complete me. wrong. once God gives us a baby, i'll be longin for ___________ ... a sweet minivan. things never satisfy. they always leave me wanting more. i'm so glad i have a God who longs to satisfy me fully & deeply in ways i can't contemplate! if i would only let him.

"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16:11