feeling humbled is an understatement

God rocked my world this past week. He made me realize something so important about my life and my relationship with Him. See...I'm a self-centered person. I really am. Especially in my marriage. But lately it's been worse than usual. I feel a right to be correct; to argue my way around everything and wear my poor husband out. I have been arguing with everything he says which is so stupid. He's drained and feels disrespected. I'm upset and feel unloved. Doesn't make for a very peaceful home. I have been praying earnestly that God give me contentness with the whole not trying to get pregnant thing, also been asking God to make me an effective leader with my high school girls, also been asking that God show me what to do with my life if we move to a new city. All these things are great to bring to God but i wasn't asking Him for what I most needed. Restoration with my husband. A rekindled fire for the man I'm married to. I desire to serve him self-lessly. I needed to be close with D.R. I just didn't want it....seriously....I didn't want to be close to my husband. I was content doing my own thing- my church job thing, my dance thing, my work-out regiment- and asking God to bless all these areas of my life for His glory all the while letting my marriage rot.

It's a good thing, God didn't bless those things. Instead he turned my attention to Malachi 2:13-16. "And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning b/c he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, "Why does he not?" Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. I hate divorce. For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless."

God was not answering my prayers because I wasn't being a faithful wife. He is THAT concerned with marriage! Did you catch verse 14? The Lord was witness...WITNESS.. btw you and the wife/husband of your youth. He saw all the ugly selfishness in me when I fought for my way; every time I made D.R. feel stupid for having an idea. God was the witness. I should feel sorrowful over that- like the way you felt when mom caught you making out with your boyfriend in high school- that kind of shame. But I didn't at first.

I'm so glad I have a God who is fighting for my marriage even when I am not. If I was super content at work and pumped about how well I was teaching dance and winning hearts to Christ in my h.s. girls Bible study, then I would easily continue to be blind to the decay of my marriage with D.R. But praise be to God that my eyes have been opened! I was blind but now I see! I see my need for reconcilation with my beloved husband. I WANT to respect him and stop arguing. I don't have the desire to be right every time we talk. Humility does that. It makes you bow low and let the other person stay up high. It gives and does not expect in return. Only Christ can give a heart of humilty.

I am so thankful for this passage in Malachi that God pointed me towards. It has changed my attitude, given me a renewed love for D.R. and made me want to fight harder to preserve the sweet covenant marriage I am in.

Mr. & Mrs. Marlon Harris

They'll be married 31 years next Wednesday. I'm lucky to have two parents who love each other faithfully after all these years. Happy Anniversary mom & dad! Click here to view their anniversary album.

June 23, 1979. Miami, FL. Making their getaway in a shaving cream-covered camaro. <3

Break Us Down

This is an excerpt from Mike Donahey's (Tenth Avenue North)'The Over & Underneath Journals". It's a look into the book of Hosea and the story of God's pursuit of His adulturous people, Israel.

"Come let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds." -Hosea 6:1

Excuse me, what?!
Who has torn us?
Who has injured us?
The Lord?!?
Wait a second there Hosea, didn't you mean to say Satan has torn us? Or maybe bad people?
You sure that's not a typo or something?

Personally, I think one of the most difficult things I've ever had to reconcile in my head and heart is this idea that a loving, merciful, compassionate God would hurt me. And not on accident either, but purposefully and willfully. God will unapologetically tear me into pieces so that He can heal me.
And you.
Strange huh?

And I suppose it isn't so terribly surprising coming from a prophet who was made to marry a harlot. If anyone would know something about being hurt by the Lord it would be him right? I don't know if you know the story, but I mean, just put yourself in his place for a second.
There you are. The man. The dude. You're the prophet over all of Israel, and you've been keeping yourself pure, praying every day for the woman that God will give to you and then He finally speaks, but its not at all what you were hoping for.

God: "Hosea."
Hosea: "Yes Lord?"
God: "It's time."
Hosea: "Ahh Yeaaa! That's what I was hoping You were going to say. Time for a wife right Lord?"
God: "Yes Hosea, it's time for a wife."
Hosea: Ooh, I can't wait! Just tell me though God, is she hot and holy? Cuz you know, I've been keeping myself pure, and I just know you're gonna reward me with a wife that's hot and holy. That's all I'm asking for because hey, that's what I deserve right?"
God: "Well, not exactly. I don't think she's quite what you had in mind."
Hosea: "Wait, what? Oh, I see! She's even hotter and holier than I thought! Oh yea, Lord I know how you work."
God: "Well, no."
Hosea: "What do you mean, no?"
God: "Hosea, I don't know how to tell you this, well, of course I know how to tell you this, I'm God, it's just, well.....she's a prostitute."
Hosea: "prosti-what?"
God: "Prostitute. Whore. Lady of the Night."
Hosea: "No, no I know what it is, but a PROSTITUTE?!"
God: "Yea, I know that's not what you were planning, but it's what I was planning, so you're gonna marry her."
Hosea: "I'm gonna do what?"
God: "You're going to marry her, but then of course, she'll cheat on you, and sell herself so you'll have to go buy her back."
Hosea: "Go what?"
God: "Yeah, you're going to forgive her and buy her back and when she cheats on you again and has children with other lovers, you're going to love them and take her back again."
Hosea: "Come again?"
God: "You're going to love her kids and take her back."

Long awkward silence.

Hosea: "What's her name?"
God: "Gomer"
Hosea: "Oh Come on!!!!"

Now I apologize if your name is Gomer, but you do have to admit, it's a rather unfortunate name, and an even more unfortunate situation. But the Bible records that it did happen. maybe not exactly like that, but God did tell Hosea to marry an adulterous wife.
And the reason that the Lord supplies in Hosea 3 is that their marriage was to show us how He loves his people. He loves his people like an adulturous wife.

And the story is so insanely beautiful when you see it from that angle, but when you look at it from Hosea's angle it's just plain crazy. Think about what you'd say if your pastor got up in front of the congregation and announced that he was about to marry a whore.
What would your response be?
Now, I'm not suggesting that everyone go out and marry someone from the local street corner, but I am saying that it is evident that God will do whatever He has to do to bring you to a place where all you want is Him.

He'll break you, He'll hurt you, He'll ruin your plans. and He'll tear you into pieces, and He'll do it all out of a perfect, holy love.
And look, I know that sounds crazy, but think about it for a moment.
A lot of people want to use God to get something other than Himself. If we're honest, we'll admit that we all do it on some level. For instance, we don't have sex until we're married, because then God owes us a virgin spouse. We give 10% of our income to a church, because then God owes us prosperity and wealth. We pray and pray, and then God owes it to us to answer and give us what we want. And in all those cases, Jesus is no longer the end, but simply a means to something else.

You've got to see that in Hosea's case, or perhaps in the case of that one friend of yours who thinks marriage is the goal of their existence. Don't laugh. It might be you.
But if you think about it, it would actually be unloving of God to go and make our marriage perfect and make that person fulfill our every hope and dream.
Why?
Because that person will die.
That marriage will end, and if your whole life and existence and joy depends on another human being, you will inevitably be in for heartache. Just read the Twilight series (it's true, I've read it, though I'm not proud of it) and see how the heroine Bella, how her entire life falls apart when her vampire lover leaves her. Put simply, if our joy rests entirely upon human love or vampire love, or any other kind of eartly love for that matter, then one day, our joy will be destroyed. Is this making sense?
Of course, marriage is just one example.
Money. Security. Fame. Obedience. Sex. Drugs. Worship Music.
If our hope is set in anything but the living person of Christ, then we're just setting ourselves up for failure. And so God, in his infinite and everlasting love, will do whatever He has to do to break, bend, and conform his people's hearts to Him. He will no longer be the means to some other end, but the end Himself.
Like a surgeon who has to cut you open, so God must tear us apart to create in us a new heart. But unlike a doctor, He doesn't just use a knife. he uses the most bizarre people, circumstances, and tragedies to change our hearts until they only treasure Him.
He will break us down. And it will be painful, scary, and altogether beautiful. Friends, if the Lord is tearing down your world today, if all the walls on your so carefully constructed plans are caving in on themselves, then ask Him in faith, "God, are you my treasure?" And if you find the answer is no, then ask Him to bring it on. Break out the scalpel. Tear down the walls. Let loose the storms. Ask Him to do whatever He has to do, until you can proclaim with the psalmist, "Whom have I in heaven but you, and earth has nothing I desire besides you." (Psalm 73)

All this world is fading away anyway right? Then take heart.
This life is not about succeding.
It's not about changing the world.
It's not about living with purpose, or leaving a legacy or making the maximum impact with your life.
It's actually not even about living your life "for" God.
Did you hear me?
Don't live your life for God

Live your life because God.

Because He has loved us, redeemed us, and because He is all that our hearts are longing for.
It's no longer about what to do with your life at all, because He is your life.
May He do whatever it takes to open our eyes to see that.
He is the means and He is the end. And everything in between is from His hand.
It can be terrifying at times, I know, but it's worth it.
Believe me, and I guess more importantly, believe Him. It's worth it."

Mike Donahey from Tenth Avenue North

healthy AND satisfying

I'm trying to snack healthier. I usually grab some tortilla chips and a big bowl of salsa when I'm hungry for a snack but lately it's been celery sticks and apples which are great but don't satisfy my hunger. Solution? yogurt + granola + sliced strawberries. Yum







I think I'll get some now.

HSGSBS

that's.... high school girls summer Bible study :) I'm hoping to study the book of Hosea with these girls this summer. I am approaching this with fear and trembling and am asking that my readers (Grace, Betty, Beth mainly) that you pray for me as I lead these young women this summer. I know that I cannot teach them apart from the Holy Spirit giving me the words and interpreting Holy scripture for me. Pray that I would be diligent in my personal study and give it all I have each week. Thanks so much!

If you'd like to pray for these girls by name they are: (from left to right)
Laura Walks, Caroline Bryars, (me), Katie Campbell

"Whitty"

One of my best friends from college got engaged a couple weeks ago. This past weekend she and her new fiance came to stay with us. It was a blast! They are so fun together. Emily "Whitty" whom I affectionately call "Whitty" met Parker at Focus on the Family out in Colorado. Parker boldly asked for her number but Whitty declined because she was dating someone else at the time. They became facebook friends and as soon as her status changed to "single" Parker didn't hesitate to send her a message and ask for her number. He continued to pursue her and eventually gave up a career with mini-league baseball in Texas and moved to Birmingham to be near her. They are to be wed in mid November at Reid Chapel on Samford University's campus. I have the honor of being a bridesmaid. My first bridesmaid experience- I cried when she asked me. She's been a dear friend since my very first days at Samford- always demonstrating trust, loyalty and purity. We were accountability partners throughout college and studied the book of James during many lunches at SU. She's one of the classiest women I know and I'm so thrilled I get to share her wedding day with her and Parker! D.R. & I love you guys! Thank you Lord for Godly friendships.

Surrender

...is a really hard thing. I've been reading through I Samuel and been convicted and inspired by the story of a young woman who was deeply saddened that the Lord had closed her womb. Her husband's other wife(sketchy) was very fruitful and had many children. She prays that if God will only open her womb and give her a son, she will give him back to God for a life committed to service. The Lord grants her a son and she is faithful to her promise. Such a beautiful story. In this season of my life I have a serious choice. I can choose to trust the Lord to be the all-satisfying, soul-pleasing, heart-gardener of my life or I can not trust Him and keep longing for things that will never wholely satisfy my desires.

My deepest prayer in this season and what I'm crying out to the Lord is this:

"Lord help me believe that 'Godliness with contentment is great gain. For I brought nothing into the world, and I can take nothing out of it. But if I have food and clothing, I will be content with that.' I believe in Your goodness; now help my unbelief. I trust that you are a sovereign, good God who longs to give good things to those who fear You. Enable me to believe that even if I never am able to have children, or live close to family that You are working all things for my good and Your glory. Help me to not grieve the Holy Spirit within me that convicts my adulturous heart. Remind me that Your love is abundant and Your mercy is new with each morning. Give me passionate joy to be a wife who loves to serve, who gives much and expects little. Help me to be the woman who takes delight in keeping a home clean and liveable (need some motivation in that area-lol), and most of all Lord let all that is in me hunger for time with You: in prayer, in Your perfect Word, and, in fellowship with other saints. Sustain me in continuing to 'run the race' for Your glory. I love you. Amen."

"I have not departed from your laws,
for you yourself have taught me.
How sweet are your words to my taste,
sweeter than honey to my mouth!
I gain understanding from your precepts;
therefore I hate every wrong path."

Psalm 119:102-104