a telescope not a microscope

Hello web log. It's been a while. Let me update you. :)

I was in college. Junior year. Samford University. I'd just transferred in from Palm Beach Community College; a small 2,000something junior college in my hometown. Samford was foreign. Alabama was foreign. The faces on campus were foreign. I felt completely alone for the first time in my life. There wasn't a soul in sight that knew my heart or could let me cry on their shoulder. It was January. The coldest month of the year in Birmingham, AL and I was facing a month of solitude & studying in my small 15x25 dorm room. I was taking one class (Biblical Perspectives) during what was called "Jan term" to get a little ahead of the game. I remember the following days after my parents left from helping me move my life to Alabama were ones of searching. Searching why all of a sudden I felt so lost. Back in Boynton Beach, in the 70 degree weather, I had all the familiar comforts: my family, my friends, my church, my beach, my routine. I was starting over in this cold, southern city and it was scary. I've never felt my need for the Lord as strong as I did than during that month of my life. I recall many nights sitting on my twin bed with my Bible in my lap just pouring over the inspired words of God and feeling so much comfort. He truly became my Bread, my Good Shepherd, my Comforter. He became real to me. He became.....God.

A week ago, I went to a woman's fellowship that my church has called "Devotions & Dessert". We've been watching the video series on Crazy Love by Francis Chan and discussing a chapter each time we meet. This week the question posed was, "When in your life, did you first realize that you truly loved God. I mean Really loved Him. Not just cause you're supposed to love him but really, passionately loved God?" A deep question to ask 40+ women on the spot. We all pondered for quite some time before the sharing began. It didn't take me that long to think back to those early Samford days.

I believe that, before I moved away from home in Florida that I viewed God through the lens of a microscope. What does a microscope do? It magnifies something that is really small. God was small to me. He wasn't the center of my universe- the Blazing Center (as John Piper describes Him). He was someone I could amplify when it was convenient for me. Like when I did well on a homework assignment, THEN God was BIG.But really I took the credit. I was the one who achieved success. I was the center of my own life. God was my #1 fan! (insert picture of God-like being wearing TEAM DANELLE shirt...ok don't) I was raised, like most middle-income American girls , spoiled. I was always well dress, well fed, well educated; and my parents were on the PTA. My parents selflessly devoted their lives to me and my sister- taking us to baton twirling, tumbling, ballet, cheerleading, volleyball, church events, pep rallies, etc. The message being imprinted on my heart was, "You're important." The word Depravity; or Ephesians 2 was not in my realm of knowledge yet. But once I was drawn away from my comfortable nest in Boynton to the uncharted waters of Birmingham, AL my reality was shaken up. I wasn't in charge of my own life. I couldn't even make friends without God allowing me to! All of a sudden, I realized, I need God. God doesn't need me. I needed Him to be my friend; and more than that, My Guide. I believe I became a Bible-believing Christian that January in 2005. I began to view God through the lens of a telescope. What does a telescope do?

It takes something that is huge and vast and brings it up close and personal. This is how God wants me to view Him. As glorious as He has always been. As big and powerful and vast in love & wisdom as He's always been. January 2005 was the beginning of my passion for God's glory and the killing of the passion for my own glory. God=Big; me=small. The way it should be.

Psalm 19:1 "The heavens declare the glory of God. The skies proclaim the work of His hands." Seems creation has it right.

fellowship so deep

I'm continually learning how important and necessary community is in a believer's life. We cannot live life alone. We cannot fight sin alone. We cannot know Christ without the fellowship of the saints. I love my church. I love my community group. I love my women's Bible study group. I am richly blessed in this city.

This Caedmon's Call song is why we are called to be in community with other believers: to know the deep fellowship that the Trinity experiences constantly.

oh and be prepared to tear up...


For the love that knows no ending, in the wisdom of God's plan
For the light that was descending to revive the heart of man
Christ the Lamb was made to suffer and to die upon a tree
So that we, sisters and brothers, could know His fellowship so deep

Let us sing of our Redeemer and of His love that made us free
And know this gift is ours forever, a fellowship so deep
A fellowship so deep

We can feel his love among us; we can sing redemption's song
We can hear the Spirit call us to a place where we belong
For His joy is in our laughter and His comfort in our grief
Let His love here ever after be the language that we speak

Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia to the Lamb, alleluia to the Lamb
Alleluia, alleluia, alleluia to the Lamb, alleluia to the Lamb



"May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all."
2 Corinthians 13:14

Sparkle & Fade

my new purchase from Urban Outfitters



can't wait to rock this at the beach this weekend!

i can't get no satisfaction!

dramatic & sporatic

...that was the definition of my relationships in high school. i dated one guy for the majority of my teenage years. one guy whose heart i broke over & over again; one guy who eventually broke my heart. i never really thought about why i kept breaking up and going back out, breaking up and going back out with him. i just thought i was fickle (which is true). or maybe i was incapable of being faithful; but to prove i could try to be faithful i kept coming back only to break up 4,6,8 months later. the cycle continued for 6 years on again, off again, repeat. no one, i mean, no one stopped to tell me it was unhealthy- not my parents, not his parents, not family, not friends. so there we were: two hormonal, pimple-faced, emotion-driven teens trying to make a "marriage" work. essentially that's what we were trying to be- married. you know, without the sex & bills. it has plagued me ever since, why wasn't i content in that relationship? what was missing? we both loved God. (or so we thought) we both loved each other (or so we thought). why did I keep wanting to leave? why did he not want to leave?

today in sunday school i got my answer. scott moore , who teaches our youth, spoke about idols. he said we all have a God-shaped hole in us that only God Himself is meant to fill. that hole was there in high school. but instead of constantly filling it with God- His Word, His promises, His saints... I was filling it with a boyfriend- or trying. if you would've asked me in 8th grade or 12th grade if i've ever been in love, the answer would've been a resounding "YES". but did I know the true definition of love? no. Love, as the Bible defines it, "is from God"; "we love because He first loved us", "the fruit of the Spirit is love". God in me is love. love as John Piper defines it is, "the overflow of joy in God that meets the needs of others". well this was not the kind of love i experienced in high school. it was more characterized by: what can I get from you. what pleasure can you bring me. satisfy me! satisfy me! SATISFY ME!!!!!

and when he didn't... i left. selfish, i know. but he was selfish too. (well he was...) it's just the other side of the coin. he was always giving, showering, smothering me with words of praise, love letters, text messages, emails, gifts, romantic dates, affection, promises, yada yada yada. he did all those things because he was searching for someone to satisfy him. his acts seemed loving on the surface but all those things were for selfish gain not pure love. if he really loved me (and let's be honest people, no one should be in love at 15) he wouldn't have had to keep trying to win me over to himself. he would've been confident that he belonged to Christ and in Christ is complete satisfaction.

so when scott had said all this, i was like, "DING DING DING". this guy was an idol in my life. and i was an idol in his. we were both trying to fill our God-sized holes with measley human-sized things! Charles Spurgeon says "our hearts are idol-making factories". i think high school students' biggest idols are boyfriends/girlfriends and their looks. those were my two. i wasn't a confident teenager. i didn't know about God's passion for me. i didn't understand the deceitfulness of my own heart or the graveness of my sin. i didn't know how much my sin hurt my Savior. i didn't know- or i probably would've been a single gal. instead i clouded my heart with a boy. a boy that could never really satisfy me. and i returned the false hope to him.

i'm so thankful for this realization of idolatry in my past and in my present. my heart is an idol-making factory. i can easily make something good into something i must have. boom- idol (roasted). but God is so much more satisfying!! i know that. He has proven Himself more fulfilling over and over again but I still run back to the mudpiles of idols thinking they will satisfy me. why? b/c i'm a lousy sinner in constant need of God's grace & mercy.

current idol? babies. i think they'll complete me. wrong. once God gives us a baby, i'll be longin for ___________ ... a sweet minivan. things never satisfy. they always leave me wanting more. i'm so glad i have a God who longs to satisfy me fully & deeply in ways i can't contemplate! if i would only let him.

"You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16:11

kindred spirits

....that would be me and David. David who wrote the book of Psalms. While we have a different tract record of sins, we both share a keen sense of our deceitful heart His 13th Psalm sums up my thoughts and struggles currently in my life.

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

Also a great Shane&Shane song.

Those who have received mercy, must give mercy

This post is a copy paste from my friend & co-worker, Scott Moore. He's our associate pastor at Grace Community Church. He practically took the thoughts out of my heart. I'm blessed by his humble outlook on mercy ministry. I hope you are too.

Friday, May 7, 2010
I Just Looked Down and Shook My Head...
And as they walked out, I just looked down and shook my head. The door to the church opens almost on a daily basis as people come to us for help. Help, however, is a loaded word. What we mean by help and what they are coming to get are two different things. I cannot remember a single person who has come to us for the gospel. Most of the time they are coming for groceries, gas, or money to pay a bill.



After a particular encounter last week, I have found myself becoming somewhat calloused. For a few moments, I was resolved to just give them what they wanted and see them back out (until the next time, that is). Broken bones aren't healed by bandaids; and people who are coming to strangers for food are at least broken.


When I'm in trouble, I go to my wife. If she should be absent, I go to other friends or family. Personally, I can't think of a single situation where I would go to a stranger for charity. This is what is bringing a change in me. I have interviewed dozens of "mercy needs" - and among them there is at least one common denominator. For whatever reason, they have no one to turn to. There is no personal, benevolent, familial, Christ-like touch to heal their wounds.


From the sixty year old man who lives by himself, to the twenty-eight year old girl with her three children...they all have resorted to going to cold, mechanical-cash-giving, impersonal institutions for help. Sure, most of them give freely; but is it really free. I can't imagine the brokenness. They may not care; or at least, "think" they don't care. I will say however, that on more than one occasion, I have seen tears well up when I ask, "Is it hard having no one?"


It is at that moment when I see the image of God in the "mercy need" sitting across from me. My heart connects with theirs. I am, at that moment, not the white guy with the money, but another human being trying to make it through this messy world. It is at that moment when I beg the Lord to open our eyes to see the glories of the promise, "I will always be with you..."


The tears rarely flow. I usually hand them the groceries and invite them to church. Sometimes they come. Most don't. And when they do, it is so hard to get them to feel comfortable. The damage is so diverse and so deep that we are forced to give only one remedy - the Gospel; and back out the doors they go.


No matter how deep sin gets and no matter what circumstances try to hide its face, I see it all too clearly. Sin is sin; and I hate it more and more every day. But, the gospel is victorious. I don't have to see it work immediately. I am beginning to realize that it often changes people slowly. It takes time for a new heart to pump blood to the fingers. And until glory, life remains, even for the best of Christians, a big redemptive mess.


I know this - there were many who looked down and shook their head at me. But God, being rich in mercy, did not see fit to leave me the way I once was. He saved me. He gave me mercy. He changed me...slowly.


Yeah, its frustrating when people come in almost demanding groceries. Frankly, it ticks me off. "They don't deserve it!" I tell myself. Then the voice comes (either through inner conviction or my pastor or a deacon or fellow Christian), "Who deserves mercy?" That question makes me look down and shake my head. That question is all that is causing me, another "mercy need," to walk through the doors of my church another day.

Scott's Blog

Great New Artist

JJ Heller. Check her out.